Perceptions and Family

For your consideration….

Family drama is a common theme these last few days so I am taking that as a really big clue. Maybe we have to give some thought to it. Maybe we have to take that step back, pause and consider. We need go no further than my own family and myself.

Families are hard. In the first place because they are “family”, we tend to take liberty with judgement, assumptions and expectations. Be honest here. Aren’t we harsher with our families on all of these things? Most of us would answer yes and follow with the explanations,  “because I know you or because I love you.”

But the harsh reality is that is a perception. We never can completely know or walk in anyone else’s shoes. While it is true we may relate on more levels because we are family, we still will have different perceptions. Our realities will still be different. We are so invested, however, we struggle with this. Thus, the family drama, rifts or even worse disassociation.

I will use my own family as example. I have two sisters and a brother. I am the oldest and my sister, Denise was 5 years younger. My brother and other sister are another 5 and 6 years younger still. Denise died in November at the age of 58. Denise was smart and a hard worker. All of us are. No separation there. Her husband is where we fall apart. None of the family liked the way he treated her. For almost 40 years that never changed. How each of us handled it, varied and did change. Initially we tried to make the best of it. But over time Denise, disengaged from most family gatherings. My Sis, Lori and brother, Gordie, kept more in contact with her than I. Accepting how she was treated by her husband was extremely difficult for me. While I accepted, I could not make decisions for her, I had to limit contact. Because I could not shake my sadness, disappointment and yes, anger after each phone call. If she called and asked for advice or help, it was never about her marriage per. It was always work or house related. But as often the case. I would hear about her struggles and how she shouldered them alone. Her husband did/does virtually nothing.

Denise became very sick very quickly. From diagnosis to death was only 5 weeks. Of course, she needed help. Of course, we were there for her. Of course, her husband was not. Of course, Lori, Gordie and I were furious. Of course, we are all dealing with it differently and at our own pace.

My brother-in-law’s behavior while Denise was dying and since sickens and appalls me. But again, I can not let that poisin into my Core Essence Self. That is not who I am. I have to stop it at the door and turn it away. I encourage my brother and sister to do the same. But I can not do that for them.

We have so many questions? We have so many whys? We have so many what if’s.

But here is the thing that I know for sure. I did not walk in Denise’s shoes. She had choices. She always had choices. Her lessons were not my lessons. But that does not mean there was not a lesson in there for me. Her perceptions were not my perceptions. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t something there that I don’t need to look at.

So this is what I think it is. Often our perception is all we see but there are always 2 sides, actually many sides. We can never totally share anyone else’s perception because their life journey has imprinted the moment differently. We need to react in the moment that honors our highest good and truth. We need to own that and stand in it. In turn we have to respect and honor our family member’s own choices even if we don’t agree or like them.

The HOPE is we realize, honor and respect our family member’s choices without judgement. Love should not have conditions. We HOPE they are working in their own spiritual highest good.  But whether they are or not, is not our judgement to make. We need to honor and respect that each person is doing what they perceive they must. Maybe that is all they are capable of maybe not. We don’t get to know the ultimate plan. We just have to know there is one. That is our HOPE.

Bit by bit, piece by piece, hope by hope action steps anyone can take…..

-Meditate for as long as you can.

-If there is someone you need to reach out to, do it.

-If you have anger, notice it without judgement, and let it go.

-Drink lots of water.

What made me smile yesterday….

-That look on AJ, Peanut and Shannon’s face when they first saw Alex.

-Fun with family…. lunch, volleyball (we really are bad).

-Peanut went to sit down and missed the chair. She was not hurt so we all laughed. It is a measure of character how you handle embarrassing moments. Peanut is a young lady with true “grace.”

-Bruce, we had some landscape cleanup. On the phone he forewarned us, “Honey, when you drive down the street you are going to think you are in Beverely Hills.”

-My friend, Carol, and I tried drumming. What fun!

Love, Blessings and Gratitude,

Chris