Domestic Violence

For your consideration……

I was given today’s message with the replaying of a clip I saw on one of the news channel. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t paying much attention. Still as it was replayed for me I understood today’s message. Much of the news in the last couple of weeks has been about domestic violence in the NFL. Some of the news stories are about people taking sides for or against the action the NFL is taking against some of its players. Some of the stories are about the women who have been abused. There is a lot of judgment going on. We do not have to be a part of that. That is the first part of the message.

The second part of the message is simply to inform us. Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior and it is ALWAYS about power and control. It is easily identified. Sadly, so far there is no program, i.e. Anger Management etc., that cures it. We should note that every time someone is abused in a partner relationship it is not always domestic violence. It is possible that someone could loose their temper and verbally and/or physically abuse their partner. It is simply a moment. Again, domestic violence is a pattern of behavior and it always is about power and control. It always has some of the behaviors in the above chart.

It should be noted that Domestic violence knows no race, culture, education, social or financial boundaries. It crosses them all. Abusers are not always the drunk misfits we have as our mental models. They can be anyone doctors, lawyers, teachers as well as drug dealers and poor people. AND more often or not they are very charming people. Certainly they are very charming initially to their partner. As I have said many times to survivors, “They were very charming otherwise you would never had gone out with them in the first place.” Most abusers are very charming to everyone else except their partner. It is part of their cover up. It makes it hard for friends, family co-workers etc. to believe the survivor. “What could she have done to make that great guy go off like that?” or “I just can’t believe he would do that.”

The section head in HOPEs Rising that I use every day entitled “bit by bit, piece by piece…..” came directly from my work with survivors of domestic violence. As much as we would like there to be there a fix and to make things all better, we can not. The relationship got to where it is “bit by bit, piece by piece” and that is exactly how a survivor will get out of it and begin to heal her/his life….bit by bit, piece by piece.

Let me give you an easy scenario. Boy meets girl. Boy is charming and attentive. Eventually they fall in love.

Girl (“G”) says, “I’m going xxxx.” (Something she has always done.)

Boy (“B”) says, “When will you be back?”

G, “8:00”. But G does not get home at 8:00, she gets home later and B is mad.

B, “Where were you?”

G, “I stopped at the grocery store.”

B, “I was worried.” Initially G may be flattered. She takes this as a sign of his affection.

The relationship continues and gradually these little instances mount up until B is making a case for limiting G’s comings and goings. B becomes progressively more angry. He tells her he can not trust her. He tries to put limits on her. He tells her who she can see and not see, where she can go and not go. If G, pushes back he verbally, mentally, and/or physically starts to abuse her.

Domestic violence often progresses so subetlely over time the survivor is often not really aware of it. The more invested she/he is in the relationship  the harder it becomes to see it or stand up to it. In fact those things that she/he has invested are the very things that are held over her/his head i.e. love, money, children. …..etc. Bit by bit, piece by piece the balance of power and control begins to tip. The survivor begins to feel powerless and her/his self esteem begins to diminish. That’s why they don’t leave or it takes a long time for them to do it.

Before we judge, let’s look over that chart and imagine we were in those shoes.

That is the HOPE. And so it is.

Bit by bit, piece by piece, HOPE by HOPE action steps anyone can take……

-Meditate/pray….ask….”What is my next step for my highest good and the highest good of all?”

-Drink lots of water. (Boy, I am having a hard time with this one.)

-Get outdoors and take in at least 10 deep breaths.

-Look with fresh eyes.

What made me smile yesterday……

-Another beautiful day. Really perfect.

-Great students with only 1 stinker in the bunch.

-It was Constitution Day. Let’s count our blessings.

-Visiting at the club.

Love, Blessings and Gratitude,

Rev. Chris