Bit by Bit, Piece by Piece

For your consideration…

Addiction…today’s message is about addiction and enabling.

Probably most of us have dealt with both of these at one time or another in our life. We tend to think of addiction as drinking, smoking, overeating but domestic violence, lying, cheating, procrastinate, etc. also can be addictions.

Addicts always have excuses to themselves and others. Liers might say, “I lied because you make it too difficult to tell the truth. I didn’t want to start a fight.”

Abusers might say, “You made me so angry, I lost control.”  Or maybe we hear, “I love you so much I can’t ….stand to be away from you, am jealous, etc.” “I trust you but don’t trust your friends.”

Overeaters might say, “It is all that you put in front of me.” “I have to eat out so much for work.” “I am too busy and grab quick stuff that is available.” “I eat when I am nervous.”

Alcoholics might say, “I like to socialize.” “All my friends drink.” “I can stop at one or two.” “It takes away my pain for a while.” “I like to drink.”

Smokers might say, “It calms me.” “I like it.” “It is too hard to stop. I have done it for so long.”

Procrastinators might say, “I didn’t have time today.” “I didn’t want to start something I knew I wouldn’t have time to finish.” I got too busy with other things.”

We get the point. Addicts have plenty of excuses and plenty of blame to put on others. That is where enablers come in. They accept the blame. Enablers are natural caregivers or problem solvers. They want to help. “What do you need? How can I help?” And guess what? Addicts have answers to rope them in.

Abusers have all kinds of ways to keep control of their survivors ie;, don’t go out with friends, don’t talk with certain people, keeping control of all the money, threatening to harm family or friends, or taking away the children, threatening suicide, etc.

Alcoholics seek control by blaming others for why they drink. They expect their enabler to not drink even though their enabler does not have a problem or rarely does so. They may ask their enabler to not go to a bar or hang out with friends who drink. Enablers are often ready to say, “Sure, I can do that. No problem.”

Addicts have excuses. Enablers think they have the solutions. But if we take a step back, we realize this is not true. Each of us is responsible for ourselves. No one else can cure us. We can cure anyone else.

We might ask ourselves how we got on this path. We got their bit by bit, piece by piece, one little request, one little acquiesce at a time.

And just how we got there is exactly how we get out of addiction or enabling.

I once had a survivor client who was so beat down with so little self-esteem left that she couldn’t even get up and get dressed let alone make plans to leave her abuser and make a new life for herself. We can see how overwhelming this would be for her. But we told her, “You didn’t get here all at once in a day, month, year. You got here bit by bit, piece by piece, step by step, demand by demand at a time. And that is how you will get out of it. If all you can do tomorrow is put on your socks, congratulate yourself for doing that. Commit to putting on a shirt the next day, etc. Each day you add one little thing, remember how far you have come. Celebrate you. Love you.”

And so it is with every addict and every enabler. We stop the pattern bit by bit, piece by piece, one step at a time.”

That is the HOPE. And so it is.

Bit by bit, piece by piece, HOPE by HOPE action steps anyone can take…

-Affirm…“I am loved.”

-Meditate/pray…ask…”What is my next step for my highest good and the highest good of all?”

-Drink lots of water.

-Get outdoors and take in at least 10 deep breaths.

-Be responsible for yourself and know that others must do the same. Help is one thing. Enabling something else altogether.

What made me smile yesterday…

-A beautiful sunshiney day.

-Jul came over for brunch.

-We had a good walk around the neighborhood.

-A couple of good books.

Love, Blessings, and Gratitude,

Rev. Chris